Pressure Too Much For Carlton Man

AFTER SIX LONG DAYS of going without, Carlton resident Steven O’Shae yesterday resorted to petty rationalizations and flimsy catch-phrases in order to justify his return to masturbation, area sources reveal.

O’Shae, 22, had been competing against a friend following the recent episode of Seinfeld where the characters tried to go the longest without giving in to their private desires. “It had all sounded so easy,” said O’Shae in what could only be described as a state of post-coital guilt. “I was sure that the week would just go by in no time.”

Friend and fellow competitor, Andrew Turner had been watching T.V when he heard a long moan of satisfaction coming from the adjoining bedroom. It was 3:04pm.

“I was watching T.V when I heard it. I jumped up and ran to the room….but it was too late.” When asked to comment on what he found, Turner seemed reluctant. “Steven was lying there with this mad grin on his face…..it was terrible. I told him to stop, but he was just out of control… Now, I?ll be the first one to admit that these past six days have been hard, but after so long I had just hoped that he could hold out a little longer. Christ, he had just been watching Oprah!”

When asked why he gave in with only one day to go, O’Shae could only guess at the answer. “I was just sitting there, and then suddenly I was in my room and my hand was reaching into my shorts. Before I knew it, I had finished.”

Clinical psychologist, Martin Greene, remarked on O’Shae?s erratic behaviour. “This sort of thing is remarkably common. Young men feel as though they can do without masturbation for a reasonable amount of time, only to be taken over by what we in the field describe as ‘penoplexy’. The symptoms build and build, starting with irritability to insomnia to increased obsession with breasts. When the subject begins finding ugly women attractive, you know his days are numbered.”

When asked to describe the severeness of O’Shae?s frenzy, Greene seemed unsurprised. “O’Shae seems to have what clinicians joke as an average ‘phallibility’. That is, most males can only last about six or seven days without spilling their seed.” When hearing of this, O’Shae seemed relieved. “Life is only so long,” he said, his eyes on the television screen, his hand resting comfortably down the front of his pants. “We?re going to get old one day and we mightn?t be able to use what we have been given. All I am saying is that I will never have that week back again. I mean, I could last a week. I could if I wanted to. I just don?t want to.”

Both O’Shae and Turner agreed that next time they would focus on a more realistic target.